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The Bevanawayanastani Bible/The Book of Mistakes/English
Chapter One IN THE BEGINNING there was naught and nil and zilch and nothing. Then the GODS spake unto the void, “lulz.” And there was much rejoicing among the GODS with the blowing of whistles and the popping of party poppers and the displaying of various festive hats. And unto the void from the leftovers of the party, from these holiest of holy whistles, party poppers and festive hats, the universe was begun. Chapter Two THE GODS LOOKED unto the universe and its various clumps of celestial matter both gaseous and solid and in-between; in its shininess and colourful splendour. And they spake unto themselves, “this is a tad boring. Let us create playthings for our amusement.” And thus the Earth was made. First, the GODS chose the greatest of all the stars: SOL. And within this star’s illustrious radiance a great planet was formed of the most holy of pre-planetary debris. And the Earth was given a satellite that it may have a heavenly body over which to exert its authority. And that this moon might illumine the nights. Upon this planet, chosen of the GODS, there was naught. The face of the Earth was barren and upon its ground stood no mountain, nor valley, nor living thing. And then, the GODS, whose bladders were filled with divine fluid, did take their leave upon the planet and they did bless the barren Earth with their life-giving waters. And where the holy urine did fall, the surface of the Earth was cleft and riven and thus were the great oceans formed. Within the oceans, imbued with the divine vitality of the GODS, the creatures of the deep were formed. And upon the dry land, the invigorating waters did splash in a mighty storm. A powerful wind blew across the face of the entire Earth and this wind did carry with it the seed of the GODS. And from the life-giving water, from the seed of the GODS, life did spring forth on the land. And the GODS looked upon the Earth and they spake unto their creation, "behold; we your GODS have created you, the fruit of our loins. We have placed you upon this Earth, which is created for our enjoyment. You will live among the faunæ and floræ and rule over them. This we have decreed." And the humans did hear the illuminating words of their sovereign GODS and they did bow down in holy fear. And the people did come to love their GODS with the reverence and awe which was their due. They did dance and sing their praises to the mighty and graceful GODS who had bestowed life and blessings upon them. The people did build magnificent temples to the GODS and they did pray in these temples and they did worship their GODS in them. And the people did take a name for themselves and this name was Russkiy and the land in which the people did live was called Venemia. And this land was blanketed by snow and permeated by arboreal conifers, but the people did not become bored by counting the innumerable trees, nor did they become cold for the GODS had not given to man the curse of suffering. And so the people did love their lives, dancing in praise to their GODS and singing gladly to the heavens in thanks for the great blessings that had been bestowed upon them. Chapter Three And it did come to pass that the Russkiy people were ruled by a class of powerful leaders. And these leaders were known as the Tsars and they did build temples and erect monuments in honour of the GODS.